Something funny happened about a month ago while I was on HC suspension, well, not exactly funny, as in humorous.
Let me explain.
I was walking down the street after picking up some tomatoes, ham and bread as I do every Monday morning. Since the GFC, we make our own lunches at work. It makes it tax deductible to eat lunch if we assemble it ourselves in a place of employment.
We have a local dero in the local shopping street who hassles for money. He's mostly annoying and chainsmokes fumes into the local continental deli. Instead of honey glazed hame, we get tar glazed. You may think I'm being harsh but I've offered to buy him a sandwich, just not his Winfields. He declines as usual and I tell him to stop pestering people...as usual.
Coming back to that Monday morning, on the way into the Deli, I noticed that Wally Winfield had a new mate with him whom I thought I had recognized, but at second glance, realized he was unknown to me.
As I exited the Deli, I observed an elderly gentleman wearing a tweed jacket with leather trim in a verbal altercation with the newcomer. I walked over, tomatoes in one hand, wholemeal farmers loaf and ham in the other and asked what the problem was. The elderly gentleman said that he had asked these men to stop bothering people as one had been quite abusive when refused a request for a donation.
I confirmed this gentleman's assertion that they should not be bothering passers by.
The newcomer (known henceforth as Toilet Mouth), blasted a plethora of expletives such as I have not heard since coming from my own mouth when my mate Pete lost the election, and, he, with no mind for the mothers walking their children to school within ear shot.
I told him to keep his language down and re-iterated that he should not be hassling pedestrians going about their duties and morning activities.
A further torrent of objectionable language, mixed with frothing spittle, sprayed forth followed by a smart, hard left fist to my mouth.
I clutched my staff amenities and said, "Whoa, I don't want to fight over this". My thinking at the time was that he was shorter and older than me and I didn't really want to hurt him. Besides, he could be someone's dear dad. (I am overly empathetic with people causing me pain at times)
His reply was a tirade of 4 & 6 letter words and another swing to the head. By this time, I had to let the tomatoes go but didn't get my hand up in time and collected a neck jarring whack to the side of my head, another to the shoulder and several to the back in payment for my slow wittedness.
I guess all of 5 second had passed as the tomatoes had rolled only about 6ft down the hill. My front tooth felt loose and the taste of iron was in my mouth. I then realized that I would have to let the honey glazed go as well and address the situation more assertively - as the blows didn't appear to be softening in strength or duration.
Having been an amateur boxer in my teens, I surprisingly have never punched someone in the face without a boxing glove. The idea of crushing teeth, gums and flesh and grisle under my fist seems unecessary and should be reserved for defence of life or family in which case there would be no holds barred.
By this time, about 8 seconds had past as the tomatoes had picked up a bit more speed and had started to bounce a bit. My left foot slid on the ham as I rounded on the mangy goat just as he was lining with his right for the otherside of my cakehole. The time for action was nigh and I dived in, spun him around and had his feet off the ground and him in a headlock within two heartbeats. Women were screaming somewhere and someone said, 'You watch him, don't let him go, I think he's got a knife.' I asked him to desist as he was still drenching me and passers by with slag and swear words. How a grown man can use language like that with women and kids in ear shot is beyond me. I put him on the ground on his face with my elbow on the back of his head and the rest of me on him.
I heeded the onlookers warning and put my arm around his neck in case he should try any funny business. I told him that he shouldn't use language like that with women near-by with little kiddies in tow.
He started to tell me that they could go and... I tightened my arm and the expletives went hourse.
Someone called for the police and we settled down for the wait. He asked me where I lived as he was going to pay me a visit and could I move my elbow a bit because I was hurting his arm and it was going to sleep. I did and after enquiring, he replied that it felt better.
I think I told him that he had a pretty good right jab there but through a busted lip, it sounded more like 'Oof got pwiffyy 'ood fwight jaf fwere'.
I'm not sure how long we had to wait in this overly familiar position, prostrate beside the gutter. Someone started picking up my tomatoes and was asking how my face felt. I said 'sfokay'. I was dis-quietened by her expression when she observed my face.
Toilet mouth started with the foul language again forcing me to restrict his respiration once more and he desisted. I whispered in his hairy ear, which was handily about an inch from my fat lip, that I was glad I hadn't gone along with all the 'Sorry' thing! I checked my arm was snuggly around his neck and settled in for a long wait.
Now everything up to this point is verbatum. You may think I'm spinning a yarn but it's the whole truth and nothing other, I swear it.
However, I started to feel a little light headed. I was after all, punched in the head two or three times by someone more experienced at street brawling than I... well my cat would have more experience than me.
Ten minutes had past and while I had him prostrate, I started going through my share portfolio in my head, wondering if anything would turn green today.
CTX, RIO and WPL, all of which I had bought wheelbarrow loads of as the xjo dropped through 4600 (on Special Angels advise), were dead. SDL I snapped up at 18.5c.? Nope. BMN's chart looked like a stairway to the abyss - so no there. ELD hadn't delighted to the upside either. Dam OEX, I bought 400k at 17c watched them go to 37c then back down again and sold them....at 17c. QBE and CSL had just gone up finally but I sold them a month ago to pay tax, so nope. MCW trading halt. MAK is mince meat and PDN & PRR? Forget it.
Oh god this tooth is really loose. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me because if they go back up, God, I promise I'll sell everything and buy Telstra.
Then he spoke, I said 'Wof bib fwu fway'?
'Don't buy Telstra,' he spat 'and move your cod piece, it's sticking in my hip.'
I slid to the side a bit. 'But Telsra's forming the pointy end of an asymetrical triangle and the stochs have just crossed up. It's $3.40 and going to break up, and the divs, the DIVS!!'
I looked up and a cleanly shaven policeman and a raaather curvy police women - oh god not the pleated skirt. Special Angel has has that one too. They were breaking into a trot at the top of the hill as they realised the situation was still in progress. I tried not to be distracted by her stiletto's Staccato on the pavement and turned back to him beneath me.
I wanted more time. I need to find out first. I yanked on tension and spat back, 'FWhy fnot Telftra'. A sudden realisation struck me. I stuck in my monicle and refocused on his ear. It was, he was wearing a ram's horn ear ring, the same one as Snake Lady. Those not familiar with her see http://www.hotcopper.com.au/post_single.asp?fid=1&tid=1085491&msgid=6053613
Then I swear, his grisly old neck rotated 180 degrees and it was her. She possitively hissed. 'Because Little Big, Conroy's a 3rd cousin of mine and he's a nasty little man who will stick it to you big time. Just stick by all that RIO I got you to purchase at $66.66 the other day. The XJO's headed for 5000, bounce down and then bounce right back up through darling.'
I yanked back so hard I heard her neck crack. She just snickered, flicked her head at the police woman, winked at me and said,' I think she's wearing a 'G' Little Big".
(20min delay)