Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the ‘60s group The Monkees. I thought she was joking… and then I saw her face.
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of redhead matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk... Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards. All I said was, “Hurry up, for Christ’s sake, some of us have got homes to go to!”
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen, “What do you feel like for dinner, my love, chicken, beef or lamb?”
I said, ‘Chicken, please.”
She replied, “You’re having soup, you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!”
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