"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the > divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your > wife $775 a week." > > "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And > every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks > myself," > > -------------------------------------------------- > > The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor > for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it too late. I have > exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and > you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the > Matchmaker. > > "Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at > home who look after all my needs." > > "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world > cannot fill the role of a wife." > > "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine." > > -------------------------------------------------- > > "In a recent poll, one in four people said they'd donate a > kidney to a complete stranger. Yeah, sure... 90% of people > won't even let a stranger merge in traffic!" --Jay Leno > > -------------------------------------------------- > > My firend Tom said he stopped watching golf on TV. His > doctor recommended that he get more exercise. So now he > watches tennis. > > -------------------------------------------------- > > COMPUTER CUSTOMER SUPPORT... from Helen > > Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your > CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? > > Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right? > Customer: Yeah.... > > Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using? > > Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's > in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen... > > Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!! > > > > Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female > customer: A white one... > > > > Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't > print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've > even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the > monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... > > > > Customer: I have problems printing in red... > > Tech support: Do you have a colour printer? > > Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. > > > > Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? > > Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the > supermarket. > > > > Customer: I can't get on the Internet. > > Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? > > Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. > > Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? > > Customer: Five stars. > > -------------------------------------------------- > > Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to > break. For me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told > my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails. > > "Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight > out of the box." > > -------------------------------------------------- > > From Roxanne > > A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a > little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice > bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," > the little girl said, "he sure did!" > > The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 > ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year > tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." > > The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse > you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he > sure did," chuckled the cop. > > The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year > tell Santa the di,ck goes underneath the horse, not on > top." > > -------------------------------------------------- > > 2 From Joe in Ohio > > Apparently the position favored by most couples who have > been married a very long time, is doggy - style. The male > sits up and begs; The female rolls over and plays dead. > > -------------------------------------------------- > > An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was > and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit > down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched > down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was > writing on his clipboard. > > "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. > "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and > seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant? > > The young doctor continued writing and without looking up > asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?" > > -------------------------------------------------- > > From Kroberts > > After many years of wondering why he didn't look like his > younger sister or brother, Johnny finally got up the nerve > to ask his mother if he was adopted. > > "Yes, you were, Son," his mother said as she started to cry > softly. "But it didn't work out, and they brought you > back." > > -------------------------------------------------- > > I know this is American football, but it is a great blonde > joke. > > Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his > blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had > great seats right behind their team's bench. > > After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. > > "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, but I just couldn't > understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." > > Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" > > "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for > the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the > quarterback! Get the quarterback!' > > I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!! > > -------------------------------------------------- > > 2 from Susan > > One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a > parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in > the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, > so he bid higher and higher and higher. > > Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the > bid - the parrot was his at last! > > As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, > "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have > paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't > talk!" > > "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do > you think kept bidding against you?" > > -------------------------------------------------- > > Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor > and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban > neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley > and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a > woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as > they checked her gas meter. > > Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged > his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to > the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger > one. > > As they came running up to the truck, they realized the > lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right > behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. > > Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from > the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured > I'd better run too!" > > -------------------------------------------------- > > "I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent > the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records... at > least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the cat > had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get out." > --Julian Clary > > -------------------------------------------------- > > A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that > his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's > office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had > overlooked the first notice. > > "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send > out first notices. We have found that the second notices > are more effective."
