Southern rules, militant style! ----- If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know the rules. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym. 2. It's called a 'gravel road,' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way. 3. The red dirt - it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent. The big lumps of it -they're called "clods." 4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it. Bambi - Bar-B-Q -- Both start with a B. Coincidence? We think not. 5. Any references to 'corn fed' when talking about our women will get you whipped - by our women. 6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for - bait. 7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. 8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatevers, and wear your hair long, go right ahead - but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended. 9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time. 10. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink. 11. No, there's no 'Vegetarian Special' on the menu. Order steak. Order it--rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. 12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes cold in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot - sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened - add a lot of water. 13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be a soda, brown, wet, and served over ice. 14. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year. 15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. 16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute. Arlene can take you best three out of five, whatever the game is. 17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays. We go to high school football games on Friday nights, we still address our seniors with 'yes, sir' and 'yes, ma'am', and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors. 18. We don't do 'hurry up' well. 19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with either salty fatback or a ham hock. Preferably you sauté some trinity in that pot first. 20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp, too. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop. 21. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 49 goes two ways - Interstate 10 goes the other two. Pick one. 22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. You want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-10 West. 23. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day. 24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept? 25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called Diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players. In Louisiana we call the Rattle Snakes the "friendly snake" - they tend to warn you first... 26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is 'Sir,' no matter how old he is. That hat on his head with the wide brim? He just loves to have someone make fun of it, that's why he wears it. 27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood. 28. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature - all 2 of them - enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $10 fine for beating up the flag burner. 29. Some of us do not always tell the truth. We have been known to tell an apocryphal story once or twice. For you fellas from north of Bunky, an apocryphal story is a yarn, a tall tale, to wit, a lie. For what it is worth, we were pulling your leg on a couple of these, especially the one about state troopers and burning the flag. Y'all go right on ahead. No one will mind if you tip that state trooper's hat off his head. It's especially funny while the crowd is boiling the tar and collecting the feathers... Now, enjoy your visit... I emphasize - 'visit.'
30. Yeah. Sherman kicked some butt. He stayed out of Louisiana. Three reasons, Lafayette, The Battle of Baton Rouge, and Fort Desperate. Look 'em up, then ask questions. Sherman was a coward and a thug, but he wasn't completely stupid. Germany is still cautious about Cajuns. Ask a nazi why.
