CATS: 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
partner from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to
take taste away. Apply band-aid to partner's forearm and immediately remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the freakin' cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg
of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold
head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to pick
out new table.
15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat. Call local pet shop
to see if they have hamsters.
DOGS: 1. Wrap pill in bacon.
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