Thank you, thank you it's great to be back. I carted two...

Thank you, thank you it's great to be back. I carted two surfboards around the world and frankly, listeners, I was a little disappointed. Hauled into Biarritz with my Target brand boardies and I've Been To Bali Too T-shirt and found that the nefarious French have ruined the once famous surf break. OK, I can deal with it.

I think then I'll go to the south of France and what do I find, listeners? AUSTRALIANS! All sitting on boats drinking local wines thinly disguised as rat killer and calling out oi oi oi to anyone with flattened vowels.

And all these French fellas look like they're straight out of Vogue. They didn't look kindly upon my Target boardies. No class. Eating cheese all day and woo-wooing passing girls and looking for sex. Who do they think they are, drunk Aussie footy players?

Back soon. Can't find the keys to the studio. May have left them in a bar in Nice when that hussy was checking out what was in my boardies in full view of Mrs Longboarder.

Full story later, listeners.