Tel Aviv and Sydney
Joint press conference by Zoom, 1 April 2024
Israeli PM Netanyahu: "Dear brethren, today is a historic day in the fight against Hamas terrorism. The peace-keeping operation in Gaza is going well. But it's a slow and expensive process. Our friends in the US have been very supportive. However, their generosity has limits. And the polls for the US November election aren't exactly going the way we would wish. So I asked our brillliant Ministry of Finance to look for an innovative source of long-term revenue. They dug around and found an obscure but critical document called "The Triangular Report". That report is market research for an unnamed mystery drug. Our amazing Ministry did some brilliant detective work. To cut a long story short, there's a currently unapproved miracle future blockbuster drug called bisontrine. Apparently it fights cancer while protecting the heart against other cancer drugs. What's more, this miracle drug is being used in clinical trials in our very own Sheba Hospital right here in Tel Aviv. Nobody of any consequence knows anything about bisontrine, so we can buy out the patent owner Race Oncology for only AUD$5 a share, which is a pittance when converted to shekels. Surely God is on our side. The company will be owned by us and managed by Sheba Hospital. I now call upon Prof Arnon Nogler of Sheba Hospital to say a few words."
Prof Arnon Nogler, Sheba Hospital: "I rejoice for the millions of cancer patients who will benefit from Sheba's proven ability to recruit patients into clinical trials. To speak frankly, Race hasn't dosed a single patient. Sheba has conducted two successful trials while Race has been stuffing around. To me it's a no-brainer that Sheba should run the entire show.This move is long overdue. I thank PM Netanyahu for his wonderful contribution to science, and I forgive his minor spelling errors. Now my colleague Dean Dominissini will explain about bisantrene and FTO."
Dean Dominissini: "Mate, are you serious? I will say this much: JDP is on the right track. But I've promised Race, in writing, that I won't say anything about what I've found on FTO. Meary would kill me if I breathed a word. Anyway, I'm not your colleague; I'm your former colleague. Now get lost. Meary, you say something."
Meary Hearney, Race Oncology Chair: "Prime Minister, on behalf of the Race Board I thank you for your kind and generous offer. It's in the same ballpark as what JC and DCB were aiming at. The Board has taken independent legal and financial advice. The advice we've received is that, in view of $5 being well above the current SP, we're obliged to recommend acceptance in the absence of a higher bid emerging. Accordingly we do recommend that. In the absence of a higher bid emerging, all Race Directors will be accepting the bid in respect of their own meagre holdings.
And, before anyone asks, yes I will be scrounging up $300 to exercise my bonus options. I'll do it sometime before 4 June, what's the hurry? I've been busy. Dr T is constantly sending me draft ASX announcements. They're all perfectly drafted and I never need to change a single word. But I still have to read them to the end. Some of them contain long words. I've had to buy a science dictionary. Dr T always puts an "X" in 2B pencil where I need to sign. Then I have to sign very close to the "X", but without touching it. Then I have to rub out the "X" carefully without smudging my signature. It's an exhausting and thankless task. Some holders don't understand what I go through. Being Chair of this madhouse isn't all a bed of roses. Give me a break. Dr Tea, do you have anything to add?"
Dr Tea, CEO of Race Oncology: "Now everyone can see why I'm not on the RAC Board. $5 substantially undervalues the opportunity. I won't be accepting it for my own holding. I advise all shareholders to think twice before accepting. This kind of lowball offer is exactly what I've been dreading. I do admit that the offer effectively coming from Sheba Hospital is better than if it came from a hedge fund. But it's terrible for shareholders. I'll let them speak for themselves. JC007, you're the second largest holder, what do you think?"
JC007, former Race Chair and current second-largest holder: "$5 is an outsized result. It's a great outcome. Of course I'll be accepting it. I've been selling under $1, so why wouldn’t I accept $5? BTW, PM Netanhayu is deluded. He thinks that the Israeli Ministry of Finance found bisantrene by themselves. Actually I emailed the Triangle Report to them and I told them that the mystery drug was bisantrene and owned by Race Oncology. And I took a timestamped screenshot of my email Sent box. My commission agreement hasn’t expired yet. DCBA I'm entitled to the full commission aren't I?"
DCBA, former Race CEO: "Yes boss, whatever you say boss. As you say, this is truly an outsized result and a great outcome for patients and for holders. We must always put patients first. Prof Arthur Nagler has exactly the right track record for the task. Now let's hear what the masses think. Hunterrrr, over to you."
Hunterrrr, president of the RAC HC Uprampers Association: "This offer is totaly unreazonable. $5 is nowhere near my price. I won't say what my price is. Everyone already knows what my price is. OK, you've twisted my arm, I will say what my price is in case anyone has forgotten. It's $30. Does $30 sound familiar? $5 is only a quarter of $30. I agree with Dr T. I won't be accepting. BTW JabraDDD, you were so wrong. Admit it."
JabraDDD, president of the RAC HC Downrampers Association: "No way was I wrong. My charts clearly predicted that this would happen. Look at that squiggle. No, turn the chart the other way, you need to hold it upside down to predict bids. An incoming $5 bid was so obvious that I didn't bother to mention it. But, if it hadn't happened, the SP would have gone to 40c. Charts don’t lie; you just have to be able to read them. Nobody reads charts as well as I do. My track record on IXC speaks for itself."
Netanyahu and Hearney, speaking in unison: "That concludes the joint press conference. Thank you for joining the Zoom session. We wish everyone a Happy April Fools Day."
(20min delay)