julia and drugs in sport

The PM has announced that Lawn bowls is a hotbed of drug use, with sports scientists using all sorts of concoctions to keep players alive for their next game. Most of these drugs are being manufactured in highly sophisticated and advanced drug labs in Switzerland, USA and Germany.

There is also evidence of widespread corruption, with meat raffle prizes, free beer and free rinse and perms being offered to bribe players to keep quiet about the sport’s sordid goings on. One player was offered a closer car parking space to the club if he would share his drugs with the Secretary of the club who was having problems with staying alert during bingo nights.

Arthur Crimshaw, head of Australian Bowling, vehemently denies any wrong doing saying it is perfectly natural for players to want to be kept fit and more importantly alive. But he refused to answer many questions at a press conference, mainly because his hearing aid was turned down too low.

Some players have been found to be wearing electronic devices to artificially stimulate their heart, giving them an advantage over other players who don’t use the device and are … well, dead.

Others are taking dozens of stimulants to keep them awake during the game. These drugs have also been passed or peddled in club bar rooms to spectators so they don’t fall asleep when games are televised. Dozens of used pill containers have been found in club change rooms and lockers. The use of pain killers is totally out of control the Sports Minister screamed. PM Julia Gillard looked genuinely shocked and said it was a national disgrace that needs to be eradicated.


Another serious problem is alcohol consumption not only after games but alarmingly during games. The Sports Minister said the situation was intolerable and was sending a dreadful message to not only children but 30 to 50 year olds.

The government has announced a probe into the sport. Crimshaw said his players were used to probes, just as long as they’ve been sterilized and are not too cold.

In breaking news a leaked confidential report out of the PM's media unit indicated that the sport of Golf is next on Labors campaign on drugs in sport. PM Gillard stated that the Government was going to come down hard on this behaviour even if it killed her chances of being re elected.