This real good sort looked at my beer belly and sarcastically...

This real good sort looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that

VB or Hahn?"

I said, " There's a tap underneath, taste it".

***

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day

a woman was born just by feeling their tits, "Really" she said.

"Go on then...try"

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, "yesterday".

***

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut,

you'd look alright."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

***

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table,

I said to her, "Nice legs".

The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so ".

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now".

***

"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

***

Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me that loud I nearly fell in.