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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.


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I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"
I replied, "No, you sick bastard. I'll be putting it up in my living room."


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Last year I left my Christmas shopping too late and ended up getting it all done at a petrol station on Christmas morning.
I thought the limited selection would leave me in the shit but my 17-year-old daughter squealed with delight when she opened her ‘L’ plates and ran over to hug me.

I don’t know why she went out to look on the driveway though.

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Why doesn’t Santa have any kids of his own?
Because he only comes once a year, and it's down a chimney

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Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

Such a pity it was a puppy.