THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER
Trump Calls For US To Exit EU
By
The Shovel on June 30, 2016
Saying it was time to ‘make America Great again’, Republican presumptive Presidential nominee Donald Trump has begun a bid for his country to leave the European Union.
At a rally today, Mr Trump said. “Why should we answer to Brussels? Who even knows where Brussels is? I do. I’ve been there. I know loads of people there. And they’re not Americans. We’re Americans. Which is why we need to leave the EU. If I’m President, it’s the first thing I’ll do”.
“People are laughing at us. They’re actually laughing at us. People say to me, ‘Donald, why is America part of the European Union?’ And I say ‘Obama’. And they say ‘I hate Obama’. And I say, ‘I know Obama. I’ve met him. He’s not even American. And the European Union isn’t American either’.
“I know all the best unions. And the European Union is not one of them. The best union is the United States. So why are we even part of the EU? Let’s give the EU the finger. We won’t even need a referendum. We’ll just leave. I don’t even care if they try to stop us. I’m sick and tired of people trying to stop America leaving the EU”.
A poll today showed that 48% of Americans supported Donald Trum
Experts to be replaced with angry man from down the pub
So-called ‘experts’ in a variety of fields including economics, sports and science are to be replaced by unemployed 53-year old Simon Williams from Kettering, it has been confirmed.
Williams knows absolutely everything about any subject and is unafraid to hold forth against the received wisdom of 400 years of the scientific method, especially after four pints of Strongbow.
Amongst his many accomplishments Simon is remarkably well-informed about optimal football formations, the effects of political events on international capital and bond markets, and the best way to pleasure a woman – possibly his favourite subject.
His breadth of knowledge is all the more impressive as he doesn’t even need to bother spending ten seconds fact-checking on Google before issuing a firm statement.
After lengthy debate, a number of professional bodies including the Royal Academy of Art, The Royal Society, the Law Society, the Royal College of Surgeons, the Bank of England and elected Parliament concluded the best thing they can do is hand over the running of things to Simon immediately.
“We read some of the things Simon said on the comments threads of several popular websites, and it was clear he knew more about everything than any so-called experts you might care to name,” said a spokesman for Buckingham Palace when confirming his appointment.
“You might think years of study, extensive experience and trial and error might be what really qualifies you in any given subject, but it’s clear that’s wrong.
“It turns out that what you actually need is a short temper; a Border Collie called Bess and an unpaid bar tab.
“In addition to his many other talents Simon’s grasp of criminology and military tactics is unsurpassed, and on the basis of his opinion, we’ve reintroduced the death penalty and deployed the SAS to seventeen different troublespots globally.”
However, left-wing commenters are unimpressed by William’s appointment, as after an artisan quinoa souffle and the second bottle of Zinfandel they know what’s best for everyone without having to listen to anybody.
Peta Credlin: “This Chaos Never Would Have Happened When I Was Prime Minister”
By
The Shovel on June 28, 2016
Guest columnist Peta Credlin
The sloppiness, the infighting, the slip-ups. The lack of any ‘plan B’ for the marriage equality plebiscite. These things would never have happened in my years as Prime Minister.
Do these people even know how to run a campaign? I don’t think so. We’ve got backbenchers contradicting one another, Ministers not being able to articulate policies. Who’s in charge here? Who’s the campaign manager? When I was Prime Minister, I had the best campaign manager. Me.
But since the events of last September, when Turnbull overthrew me to take the top job, well, things have become an absolute debacle. Some saw him as the Messiah. But I knew how this would play out. He’s all show and no substance. Doesn’t have the guts or the grunt to succeed under the pressure of a campaign like I did. Doesn’t have a Chief of Staff like I did either (P. Credlin).
Look, I hope he wins. I really do. But if it’s close, if he slips up, don’t be surprised if the party starts asking for me to put my hand up for the leadership again. They’re only human.
