non jokes for the morbid sense oh humour

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.



Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.
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Policeman: Knock, knock.



Woman: Who's there?



Policeman: The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.
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There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. They are all trapped in a jail cell.



Eventually they all starved to death.
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A man walks into a pub.



He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
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Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?



She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
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What do you call a cat with no tail?



A manx cat.
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Why do undertakers wear ties?



Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
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How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?



One.
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Why do women fake orgasms?



Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
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Two men are sitting in a pub.



One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house."



The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit."
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Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?



Yes, he was killed and buried there. It was gang-related.
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Man: What a beautiful dog. Does he bite?



Dog-owner: No.



Man: Can I pet him?



Dog-owner: No, he has a form of eczema that makes him skin weep if touched.
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How can you tell when an Essex girl wants sex?



She displays signs of arousal, such as enlargement of the cl*toris and swelling of the l@bia.
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What's the difference between a rottwieller and a poodle?



There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of dog.
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What do you get if you cross a horse and a donkey?



A mule.
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A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane.



However, it is a short flight and they do not talk to each other.
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What do you call a man with a spade in his head?



You call him an ambulance. He may have fractured his skull.