One Hell of a day for the banks!, page-28

Hi GP one thing I notice spiritual/money One thing I notice GP is the spiritual side quite strongly--I look at the BB (a member of my family died yesterday) in a totally different way----you see the greed and the fear and all kinds of things--people talking about money---which is ofcourse what the site is about---the stockmarket. Looking at it though---the headers (plenty of people paying out on each other) when death strikes someone close to you, it all becomes so totally irrelevant--these are my thoughts right this minute.
On the spiritual side having experienced around me a series of deaths over the last four years of family members---it certainly does make you pray and be closer to God---if one good thing comes out of it---it's a sense of forgiveness and just realising we are just ants down here on earth--crawling around on the ground--scurrying about our respective occupations--whether that be stockmarket or something else.
There is a deeper side to us that needs to be comprehended---I feel so sad this morning, but then if I think of God I don't feel so sad, someone very close to me is gone yet I can feel their spirit---and if I turn my thoughts away from myself and outwards instead of inwards--I know their are caring hands, whether our perception is one of a kindly old man who looks like Santa Clause---or just a universal type force type thing--I know the force exists there for all of us (without wishing to be funny and sound like Star Wars)--it is like George Harrison quoted it is within us and without us--it flows through our bodies and somehow it is all connected up.
The only way I stop the sadness is thinking like this.
2 days after my birthday ofcourse makes it a date etched in my mind--for some reason unexplained to me--moments of tragedy (for me) always seem to occur around this time---you quite good naturedly wished me a happy birthday--and I guess you think I'm some sort of nutter giving you such a long response---but I guess your simple birthday wishes (and Rabbitoh gave some before)(and I didn't say anything as then it was still a life death situation)(and havng bad experiences on public bullboards with disclosing personal info in the past where people have used it to play on emotion--I won't state specific detail---I trust you and many people but it just seems there are some nasty people out there---or perhaps people who don't quite understand--and would regret if they truly knew the pain) brought is all out.
Despite my brave words above, this will take me a long time to get over, the death was very close to me.
Bonkers really was bonkers last night I raged against heaven (if you can relate to King Lear going out in the storm from Shakespeare) I did for awhile challenge God--called all sorts of names I'm afraid---in the end I calmed down a bit, the anger though was at times uncontrollable---it was a disease I was dealing with and I had wanted God to cure it and he did not do so and I was as angry as anything about it.
I tried to battle the disease on behalf of the other with positive thoughts---even mentally picturing myself with a type of heavenly golden sword---battling the corruption that has finally claimed a life---it did not work----I tried and failed---I'm at the stage now where I no longer care (as stated in the top of this dialogue) about mind games on the BB---it is just so negative and there are no winners only losers, both in the financial sense and the personal sense.
Anyway after this death I have to reshape my life once more (Ive done this a few times over 4 years---just a succession of bad family news)----this death will be extremly hard to cope with---but cope I will.
I can only say if anyone is experiencing sickness out there of any kind---my heart goes out to you as simply one person in the cosmos to another---to lose someone you love very dearly is the worst experience you can encounter and for those who have experienced (I guess at one time or another practically of us have) you have a kindred spirit who understands what you must have gone through--and are perhaps even going through now.
Don't ask me in the end whether experiencing death makes you a tougher person---I think it may do--I know certainly much rather not experience it---but it is reality.
Cheers and all the best.
BK.