one liners

- Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
- Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

- Never answer an anonymous letter.
- It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
- I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
- Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.


- I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
- I took an IQ test and the results came back negative.
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
- My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
- Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.

- I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
- I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
- Don't steal. The government hates competition.
- Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

- All generalizations are false.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

- I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
- I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
- I can handle pain until it hurts.

- If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
- Gravity always gets me down.


- It's bad luck to be superstitious.
- According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
- The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
- Honk if you like peace and quiet.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
- We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die.

- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
- Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
- If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

- Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
- I intend to live forever. So far so good.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
- I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

- Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
- Evolution: True science fiction.
- What's another word for "thesaurus"?
- Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.