Associated press ..... 15th December 2006: Earthquake Rocks Koondoola.
A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter Scale, has hit Australia at 10:18 am this morning, with the epicenter believed to be the Perth suburb of Koondoola.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "F'kin ell" and "whadda carnt". The earthquake has completely decimated the area and damaged hundreds of homes, leaving a damage bill expected to exceed $300, which could go as high as $350.
Several priceless collections, including mementos from the Torana Appreciation Society and the Balga Progress Hall, were destroyed in the quake.
In addition, three areas containing historic burnt out cars were disturbed and many locals were woken well before their dole payments arrived.
Perth radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of 6 said, "it was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer in the morning."
The people of Koondoola are a resilient community and evidence of a full recovery can already be seen, with looting, muggings and car crime carrying on as normal.
The aid response from local charities has been swift. The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include Centrelink booklets, AC/DC T-Shirts, Priceline Jewellery, prams and fine bone china from Homeart.
The Red Cross seeks to raise money for food and clothing, to be air dropped as parcels for those unfortunate caught up in this disaster. Donations of clothing are also in demand. Items most needed include baseball caps, Kappa tracksuits with hoods (his and hers), flannelette shirts, white sport socks, XXXXL mumble shorts (female), sturdy steal capped boots, and any other items usually sold in Crazy Clarks.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include, Hot Dogs, McDonalds, KFC, Ice Cream and cans of Woodstock Bourbon and Coke and Emu Bitter. Please don't send bread, milk, tinned food, meat, fish, chicken, fruit or vegetables or any other healthy food, because such food is alien to the local dietary requirements will not be consumed. Donations of Home brand nappies, loose fitting t-shirts, which allow easy breast feeding, and cartons of Winfield cigarettes would be greatly appreciated.
Charities are also accepting cash donations through any Liquorland outlet. $0.25 buys a ball point pen for filling in compensation forms, $5.00 buys chips and Coca Cola for a family of nine, $10.00 will buy a packet of Winfield Blues 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Aid Agencies have requested that no tents be sent into the affected suburb, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas.
