I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. - Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. - Jimmy Carr
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. - Chris Addison at the Pleasance
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. - Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself. - Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. - Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? - Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. - Susan Murray at the Underbelly
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening.. Self-raising?" - Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. - Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". - Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork... - Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. - Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. - Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber". - Steven Alan Green at C34
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. - Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!" - Norman Lovett at The Stand
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. - Chris Addison at the Pleasance
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. - Arnold Brown at The Stand
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. - Milton Jones at the Underbelly.
