Phantom pains the Pirates RRR's
P I R A T E R I D D L E S F O R S O P H I S T I C A T E S .
BY KEVIN SHAY
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Q: What's a pirate's favorite aspect of computational linguistics? A: PARRRsing sentences.
Q: Of which concept shared by Jungian psychology and Northrop Frye's literary theory are pirates especially fond? A: ARRRchetype.
Q: Who's a pirate's favorite member of the creative team behind "32 Short Films About Glenn Gould"? A: Don McKellARRR.
Q: Of all of Richard Harris's many achievements in the performing arts, which is a pirate's favorite? A: "MacARRRthur PARRRk."
Q: What's a pirate's favorite alliance-creating diplomatic agreement from the Second World War? A: The TripARRRtite Pact.
Q: Which ancient Greek lyric poet do pirates like the best? A: PindARRR.
Q: If a pirate were to recite one of the Olympian odes by the aforementioned poet, which one would it be? A: The XIth Nemean Ode, "To ARRRistagoras, the Prytanis of Tenedos, son of ARRRchesilaus."
Q: If that same pirate were then to recite a 20th-century poem about the nature of poetry, what would it be? A: "ARRRs Poetica" by ARRRchibald MacLeish.
Q: What if he went on to recite a poem by Sir Walter Scott? A: "LochinvARRR."
Q: Why does that pirate keep reciting poetry, anyway? Is he some sort of Nancy-boy? A: Aye, 'tis a Nancy-boy he be. Arrr.
Q: Of the ghosts that appear to Ebenezer Scrooge in "A Christmas Carol," which do pirates prefer? A: Jacob MARRRley.
Q: Can we replace that last one with something about Bob Marley, so we can have an additional gag about RastafARRRianism? A: No.
Q: Whom did the pirate vote for in the Haitian election? A: ARRRistide.
Q: Wait. Why did they let a pirate vote in the Haitian election? A: Remember, the nation was taking its first halting steps toward democracy, and balloting procedures were rather chaotic. The pirate just slipped in somehow. Arrr.
Q: I don't buy it. Pirates care nothing for participating in the electoral process. A: Look, can we finish this up soon? I'm having those phantom pains in my wooden leg.
Q: A phenomenon first described in the 17th century by which important contributor to the field of amputation surgery? A: Oh, this is getting ridiculous.
