you’ve probably hit the nail on the head.
My ex (with whose writing you are more than familiar I think) started to post regularl about waste, how money isn’t the point, how expensive women are and similar shit. There something vaguely hilarious about that. Even contradictory.
Until he happened into my life I led a normal life with a good income, a decent superannuation and a house worth a lot of money even after a split with my first husband. I drove a second hand Mitsubishi. My indulgence was travel with my family which gave them rich experiences which the kids still talk about. Other than that we led a comfortable but not extravagant life and I worked hard for it
then he arrived. (With nothing - the outcome of what turned out to have been a life of selfish idleness) He wanted a share of the house before he'd barely been in my life two years. (Why didn’t I leave? Because he harassed and harried me over it and threatened me it meant so much to him. He hadn’t worked for it or put money into it but it meant more to him than the relationship) I gave him what he wanted in the end because I thought relationship meant more than money but it changed nothing and in fact got worse.
He offered to do things and then went and employed someone because he didn’t actually want to do them and then suggested I pay him and that person. Then griped about the tax. Then decided I needed an smsf where he managed to turn the bulk of it into sfa when it would otherwise have trudged along to a decent normal income on retirement (which I had said was all I wanted and needed). Why - because he wanted all these things. I reread recently an email in which I had told him that an income of $70k would be more than fine and it would have been achievable with the amount I was putting in. His list of things he wanted was going to need about $4million in super. Unachievable. But with all his bravado and bullshit he was convinced of his own brilliance and greed drove him. Maybe he felt he had something to prove. In fact maybe in retrospect he thought he’d prove himself worthy that way. Who knows.
The greedy attitude is written all over hot copper on FML pages with talks of big boats, Ferrari’s, big houses, investment properties. On other threads He did that for years while with me. It was always about wealth and money and prestige. He’d talk in disparaging terms about people who drive corollas. I thought it embarrassing but wanted him to be happy. He talked about “his place” in tasmania which I had bought with my sweat while he told everyone he did nothing. He made decisions about how many people did what on the property. The real estate agents and the Valuer’s have laughed about the work. They know who he is and if he ever stepped inside their door they’d be tempted to buff him one.
He put in things that added no value and didn’t do the things that did. Like I get steel cabinets as the pantry rather than what girls actually want at the same cost. He threw out a kitchen door because he couldn’t get it back on it’s hinges so I gave a cupboard with no door
I recall a conversation about one of his stock “stars” (read failure) where someone told me it was ok for us because we had money. By then we had little and I tried to say so. I was stopped because “that it was part of the image to seem like we did ”. What he meant was he thought if he put across the image of being successful then people would follow his ramping on stocks.
he was irate when the judge gave him much less than what he wanted and thought he was worth. He’d refused advice from his lawyer on the settlement and though he got about six or seven times what he’d bought in and enjoyed all that first class travel, fine dining and opportunity to pretend he was wealthy without earning a bean he thought he deserved more. The accountants told him never to step across their door again and will call the police if he does. Now no doubt he has another story to support his current version of life.
this is a fraction of the story of what happens when greed gets the better of one. one is living a lie. When one make things matter more than being happy and recognising that people and friendships and love count more than being right, being in control, being the expert. when the need for some form of external display (including a material show), self gratification and authority outweigh the need to navigate a relationship and the challenges of an ordinary life you can’t be happy.
In retrospect I think he possibly wasted his life and was always unfulfilled. chasing travel and adventure first, girls for sexual reward because he had to be able to tell people how fabulous he was, then money. - that was my share of his life. God knows who is on the receiving end of the latest version but may god protect them (and I really mean God) what he seems to have been looking for was acknowledgment and recognition and admiration - from others Other female partners experienced the consequences in their own way. Four of us. Each on the receiving end of the latest version of what might bring him peace.
(eventually I will get over the financial devastation it caused me. The shame that I allowed it to happen is taking me longer but I’m working on that. I haven’t had to run away from anyone or any country to keep myself from looking at the truth. I know my part and it sure as hell wasn't money. It was that I didn’t recognise a bottomless pit - nothing was ever going to fill his void of emptiness. No money. No amusements. Nothing. )
so to the start of this thread.
Whoever loves you will never leave you, even if he or she has 100 reasons to give up. He or she will always find one more reason to hold on.
but recognise that it’s a two way street. If they come in with nothing and covet what you have worked for it’s not love at work so don’t waste your love trying to help them. If they won't dance or sing their heart can’t sing. If they refuse to kiss you from the start it’s not germs they are scared of - they are frightened of love and intimacy and the loss of one self to gain a better self that exists when love is there.
Above all though loving is worthwhile. It takes many forms but in any form it requires some level of self sacrifice with some good boundaries. It requires an ability to see and experience the good in others. It is the essence. The way. The truth. The light
once again my pain has shown and so now I will meditate and pray for the other.
in the meantime I am actually grateful that, unlike Steve, people have always mattered more than wealth. I didn’t get it right the way I did it but I didn’t get it all wrong. My family love me as I do them. I am grateful for my friendship circle and I’m grateful for the lessons I have had even if I might have been a slow learner on some of them. I fortunately have many years ahead of me.
