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THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER

Sonia Kruger Calls For Wall Between Australia and Mexico

By The Shovel on July 18, 2016

Following her appeal this morning for Muslim immigration to be banned, television personality Sonia Kruger has called for a wall to be built on the Australia-Mexico border.
The former Dancing With The Stars host said it was the only way to stop an unending flow of illegal Mexicans into the country.
She said she would make Mexico cover the cost of building the wall and would work closely with US President Donald Trump – who is facing a similar problem on the US-Mexico border.
She provided assurances that some of her best friends are Mexican.

Life was hard as a black woman growing up in America, says Donald Trump’s wife

Melania Trump has described the struggles she’s had to overcome as a black woman growing up in America, in a totally original and heartfelt speech.
The would-be First Lady from Slovenia told the Republican Convention: “I was born a poor black woman in South Side Chicago. I overcame the tremendous obstacles of race and gender prejudices to attend Princeton University and then Harvard Law School.
“Later I met my husband, a talented and brilliant man whose dream it was to become the first US President of his colour – orange.”
When it was put to the Trump campaign team that large parts of the speech seemed to resemble Michelle Obama’s life, a spokesman said, “This is typical of the politically correct media who keep trying to make people stick to the ‘facts’, whatever they are.
“People like to hear a story of struggle, it plays well, and Melania, a struggling former supermodel, identifies with it, so isn’t that what matters at the end of the day?
“Who are you to tell her that she is or isn’t from South Side Chicago? We won’t be releasing her birth certificate as she doesn’t have to prove anything.”
Outside the convention, the speech was well received by Republican voters.
Simon Williams said, “It’s about time we got away from the billionaire politicians running this country and appoint someone who has grown up in the face of poverty and prejudice, just like Donald and Melania Trump.”

Killing matadors isn’t cruel it’s part of our culture, claim Spanish bulls

The Spanish bull community has defended the cold-blooded killing of matadors, insisting that upholding of a centuries-old tradition is definitely not cruel.
Following the tragic death of matador, Victor Barrio, Madrid’s bull community have remained defiant in the face of accusations of brutal and inhumane acts conducted to sate the bloodlust of baying spectators.
A spokesperson for the bull community told us, “Look – we regularly face this kind of criticism from people around the world who simply do not respect the wretched things we hold so dear.
“They say ‘oh its so barbaric that you still attack and kill humans in cold blood for fun whilst other bulls stand around cheering and singing – we can’t believe you still do that stuff’.
“But simply stopping the horrible things you’ve been doing for generations is extremely difficult – American Law Enforcement can attest to that.
“Besides – Matadors have very sharp spears which they stick in us and wave around capes coloured an infuriating shade of red – what’s to like?
Former Matador, Javier Gomes, agreed it was important for bulls to retain the right to conduct barbaric acts in the name of perpetuating national heritage.
“Every once in a while we need bulls to redress the balance.
“Generally speaking, a bull killing a matador is extremely rare.

Dog ‘furious’ after do-gooders smash his car windows again

A dog reacted angrily after his car windows were smashed, just moments after he parked up in a Waitrose car park.
“I’ve only had this car for 3 months,” said Simon, a 7-year-old golden retriever from Norwich.
“This is the eighth successive time someone’s seen fit to put a brick through it.”
Simon, who passed his driving test on only his second attempt, bought a Range Rover ‘because it’s the easiest to say in dog language.’
“I’d just pulled up in a nice, sunny spot, and I was listening to the end of the Archers before I got out”, Simon explained.
“And the next thing I knew, my window was smashed and I was being abducted.”
Simon did receive a small bowl of water after the incident, which he described as ‘wholly inadequate compensation’.
“Just because I’m a dog, some people assume I’m incapable of winding a window down and sticking my head out,” he complained.
“But it’s not the ’70s anymore, this thing has got dual-zone climate control. If you ask me, the people who did this are a teeny bit racist.”