Then this is for you Alba! I particularly like the Wodehouse quote! :-) SEVEN WAYS TO ANNOY A SCOT
P.G. Wodehouse once said, "It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine". If you’d like to try the experiment yourself, here are seven things almost guaranteed to provoke annoyance in any Scot, regardless of sex. (Conversely, if you want to be popular in Scotland, you might treat this as a list of things to avoid.)
1. Use England instead of Britain, or English instead of British. There are actually four parts to the United Kingdom. England is one of them rather than all of them. If you don’t believe this, have a look at a map.
2. Use British instead of Scottish. This one’s a bit sophisticated. The trick is, when a Scot or a Scottish team actually manages to win any sort of international competition, you describe it as a great British victory. If they lose you call it another defeat for Scotland. (If you do this regularly enough, people will probably think you work for the BBC.)
3. Use Scotch to refer to the people. Scotch is fine for whisky, terriers and various types of food, but the human inhabitants prefer to be known as Scottish or Scots.
4. Pretend never to have heard of Robert Burns. If you really haven’t heard of Robert Burns, conceal your ignorance.
5. Say it would be better if the UK had one football team instead of four. You can get even more of a reaction if you say, "...if there was only one English team". See above.
6. Talk about men wearing skirts. Skirts, whether made of tartan or not, are generally worn by women or male transvestites. The much more substantial garment, constructed of 6 or 8 metres of woven wool and worn by men, is known as a kilt. If you really want to raise the temperature, you could add that you think men in kilts look effeminate.
7. Imitate the local accent. Roll your "r" and use a very close "u". Sprinkle your conversation with stage-Scottish expressions like "Och aye the noo", and "Hoots, mon". This works particularly well if you normally speak with a standard BBC English accent.
