As for women avoiding being a victim by bashing the abuser over the face with a softball bat. I can’t even imagine what sort of psychopathology you would have to do that. That’s abuse. Pure and simple. In the same way as it’s no excuse for a man to use violence because he feels he is provoked nor is it ok for a woman
then to the last matter - that it’s too easy to be a victim. That women shouldn’t stay. And so on
the psychology of abuse in intimate partner relationships is complex. There are known patterns. These patterns occur on a macro scale and a micro scale within the relationship and like a dance the patterns involve both partners. In some ways they are both locked into a pattern of behaviour and reward systems that reinforce the behaviour. Typically he gets the compliance he wants and possibly the adrenal release (there some sort of connection with dopamine and adrenaline ) and she actually - for a while - gets a more docile version after the release. When you combine that with the confusing combination of that more docile behaviour and the blaming that occurs (it’s her fault he did it - look what you made me do) she ends up with cognitive dissonance that makes it hard to work out what is what.
combine that with a few other factors - these men aren’t always monsters. Sometimes they are funny, or kind or pleasant. But they switch and they switch incomprehensibly and the cycle shortens. These factors build up the fear levels. Often threats are made of different actions that make leaving seem overwhelming. Often they’ve been isolated or made to feel they are utterly unlovable. Often they are so broken emotionally that they simply cannot work out how to leave. Knowing that they could kill you if they chose to or if you put a foot wrong - even if they say they’d never do it - is a powerful deterrent to action. Guns in the house has a certain impact even if he says he’d never do anything with them. For women the physical power is terrifying but the psychological power that is exercised is crippling
it is easy to sit on the sidelines and make assumptions about what should or could have been done. But it’s another matter altogether to sit in it. I hope you never have to.
