for a little levity ...... (which maybe a bit closer to the...

for a little levity ...... (which maybe a bit closer to the truth than we shall ever know......)

Shareholders Advocate : Mr Expert, are you truly independent?
Mr (or Ms) Expert : Yes of course, can't you tell, I am wearing a Teal coloured tie.
Shareholders Advocate : Yes, I noticed that Mr or Ms Expert. Why is that relevant?
Expert: Because it proves i am independent, there is a very recent precedent you know.
S.A. : I see. Onto other things - what criteria did you use to come to your conclusion in your report?
Expert: The ones that Brian gave me.
S.A. : Brian ? Tell me more.
Expert: well it was signed 'Brian' of the back of the beer coaster we had on the table.
S.A. So you met this 'Brian' before the scheme was proposed?
Expert: We never schemed anything, i refute that.
S.A. : I see - so you never met this mysterious 'Brian'?
Expert : Not in a biblical sense, no.
S.A. : so did you meet this 'Brian' in reality?
Expert: Possibly, it was very dark, and noisy, in the ....er...er ...well there were these two blondes - so didn't really catch his name properly...
S.A. ; So what did this Brian ask you to do.?
Expert: Produce a report.
S.A. : A report saying what?
Expert : that I was an expert, i complied with something to do with the Corporations Act, and this company was worth about 100 mil.
S.A. : and have you read the independent expert report guidelines as laid down in the Corporations Act?
Expert: Sort of.
S.A. Please elaborate.
Expert: Well i got an email giving a bullet point outline.
S.A. ; Who sent you this?
Expert: Someone called Brian.
S.A. : Ah, Brian again, do you have this email - it would be crucial?
Expert: No sorry - it was one of those sent from a temp email, that shreds after a week.
S.A.: I see, so, moving on .....did you ever meet anyone called Tony?
Expert: I was told that i should never mention anything to Tony. Need to know basis, nudge nudge wink wink.
S.A.: Need to know? What do you mean by that?
Expert: Well, i was told that if i mentioned anything to Tony, I would lose the chalet on the Seychelles, and the two blondes wouldn't .....er...forget that.
S.A. : Does the name 'Tony' ring any bells at all?
Expert: Of course, Tony Blair, Tony Albo, Tony Bennett.
S.A.: How about Tony Keeting?
Expert: Who?

S.A. : I move to have this expert report disregarded.