I don’t know if you have ever come close to a whale if not shall I tell you something of what they are like they stink they do not love humans they most likely think that humans, according to the latest ITWRC studies, are vicious mammals that go about killing their own kind with loud explosions. The whales have their own ideas on how loud bombs should be. Whales have recently met together to discuss the eating of kangaroo in australia, dog in vietnam, snake in africa,canned tuna fish in the solomon islands, and pal in new guinea. Anyway to get back to what whales are like; they are big. They are born big. Some of them are bjorn big, but they tend not to grow up. And they are sick, and I mean sick to the eyeballs and spouter of research. Research research research. How would you like your whale? lean! Forget it. And how long is it since a whale ate a japanese? About five feet two. A morsel. And norwegians are gristly. What about a school of fat yanks. Off the track again, well, another thing about whales is they have great throatlore. And the props.God. Whales have indirectly threatened that if anyone ever makes a film about whales, they want no part of treasure chests, funny biblical characters, tables and chairs, harpoons or any other paraphrenalia from walt disney. They also are setting up a research station to study the mating calls of japanese tourists travelling in glass bottom boats, and they intend to tag them and pod them. Whales, to get back to it, are also very clumsy. And they are becoming so numerous in some bays around the world that there is hardly a channel for a boat, and often, especially the hump ones, squash boats as they move from pod to pod. And their toilet habits are disgusting. All that fish. Sometimes fish swim right through whales; think of that next time you sit down to look an atlantic salmon in the eyeball. And they are rough. Try racing alongside one. Cut you to fillets they will. And oily! How do those little japanese guys stay so slim! Whales have been doing a lot of research lately on dolphins, you know their little cousins. Well the popularity of dolphins is great concern to the sperm whales, who always want to feature. So they have decided to allow ships to follow them around the oceans. Especially those stupid ones with all the harpoons, they have got no idea! If it wasn’t for the whales they’d be all over the oceans, north and south. So just for a lark, and to show up the dolphins, the whales have been leading them all over the oceans of the planet. “They’ll follow you anywhere” one was overheard. And calfbirth! Whales are amongst the most intelligent mammals in the sea, bar dolphins of course. They actually have calves with the tags already on them! Fully tagged! Population explosion! There are now so many whales estimated to arrive in the earth’s waters by the year 2020, all over sixty five years old, that there will not be enough japanese and norwegians to go round. Sound. Now I may not have painted a great picture of the sperm. But I want you to know that he makes this really deep groaning sound interspersed with chuckles and heavy breathing. And now for the endspiece. Seen recently was a rare, highly decorated female specimen swimming near the warm waters of the hyatt hotel downtown tokyo. She is to be known as the geisha, not least because of the geisha that geishas from the top of her head. And many normal japanese, and the odd norwegian, have decided that they will research her instead, and then eat her.
