what you need to know about grief

Normal Grief

Grief has many forms, and many forms of expression - it is not a linear process.
For the person, mental and feeling-related stirrings and behaviours appear with the mourning or grieving process, which appear as abnormal when eg., the person is 'beside themselves' and unable to understand their own reactions whilst in this state.

There is no abnormality that exists as a rule in grieving behaviour, even if it may appear so.

Abnormality in grieving does not arise with normal grieving, but only when very heavy or severe grieving takes place and the mourner/griever does not separate from the deceased person. This then leads to a fragmentation or shattering grief and the griever, through the destruction of the psyche, destroys himself, by suicide or by withdrawing within the self, whereby consciousness damage in the form of consciousness confusion, with a personality change or even a schizophrenia can develop.

This of course is real grief to do with real love and not grief put on for show for eg., inheritence issues, greed or hatred etc..

Extreme events in the grieving process are as a rule normal-natural parts of the grieving course.
A problem can occur though when a really burdensome grief leads to a numbness - in this situation, every mental- feeling-related sitrring is extinguished and a kind of paralysis of the thoughts and feelings occurs. This state of grief-blocking, can appear in different phases of the grieving course, and is not limited to just the news at the moment of death or with commiseration about the death of a beloved person.

Delayed Grief - displaced grief - escape from grief - grief apathy - grief shutdown - grief inhibition - long term grief - endless grief - pining

The first reaction to the death of a person close to you is ordinarily one where the surviving relatives do not want to admit to the fact that the death has occurred - especially when a death is sudden and unexpected. This is completely normal, as is denial of death in this case. However, if this denial continues then consequent displacement of the grief can occur.

In this state of delayed or displaced grief, as a rule, no weakness is shown outwardly. This state allows them to continue their normal everyday life in such a way as if nothing had changed in their life and in their surroundings. They may get caught up in the assertion and unconscious untruth that their work, duties and respnsibilities are so important and urgent that they would have no time for grief and no time for release or despair.

Unfortunately, in these cases often those observing accept the whole thing as a truth and even admire the displacement of grief, and are classified as being exceptionally courageous. This can encourage the 'delayed-grievers' in their wrong behaviour which can lead to apathy and lack of sensitivity to the damage to their psyche.

Another form of escape from grief can be practiced by turning to people in the form of social activities, and also worrying about other people in need or misery and aiding them. However, this is no more than a n attempt to transfer their own grieving onto their fellow men to evade their own process, which will remain a pitiful attempt because no resolution of one's own grief can be reached in this way.

No one can take the burden of grief for another. Unfortunately those who help others in need etc. at these times, become dependent on those they help which leads to a pleasant sensation, which only continues as long as the other people need their help. If those he helps are released from their own misery or their own grief, then the dependent one goes to ruin with grief, feeling completely drained of energy. This is because now they are not needed, their own grief cannot be pushed away any more.

Sometimes, surviving relatives go to ruin in a state of apathy called 'grieving apathy'. This is a sate of great inner emptiness in contrast to thought-feeling chaos which is found in normal grief. The person in this state feels nothing, has no thoughts-feelings, neglects himself as well as others and performs actions in an automatic way. In this way he avoids confronting the grief.

Some cannot find a way out of their grief on their own. They will only admit certain thoughts about the grief, that don't allow the pain, blame or anger, or helplessness, hate or despair to surface. This leads to a halt to the grieving, an inhibited grieving, being stuck in the grieving which can lead to damage to the psyche and also disturbance to the consciousness.

Profound depressions are common, which often can only be resolved through good psychiatric professional forces - if at all.

Fury and rage, desperation, hatred, blame, pain and helplessness belong as a rule to the normal grieving process, along with feelings of guilt, or reproaching oneself, that the death of the loved one could have been avoided by their own actions for this or that reason. This happens more often if someone is suddenly and unexpectedly torn from life by death eg., in an accident, a suicide or by forces of nature etc.... In these cases, there is not the possibility to say goodbye, which makes the event even worse.

Quite often the innocent remaining member takes responsibility for the death of the loved one, which is only an attempt to comprehend the incomprehensible. These guilt feelings can be dangerous if the mourner gets trapped in that state, leading to displacement or pushing into the background or prevention , of other thoughts and feelings. Nothing more is gained if this happens, until it is seen clearly over time that they have not contributed to the death directly. Of course, the guilt can be because the person has directly contributed to that death. So, unreal guilt does not need any forgiveness, but real guilt will need to be addressed.

It is normal in the grieving phase, to keep an eye out for signs of the deceased person. This is called 'Suchungstrauer', and can be called normal if a normal grieving course has taken place, and within a reasonable time become a thing of the past. Some people are unable to do this though, because they have not dealt with the issue of life, dying and death, and have not gained the relevant realisations and knowledge about it. This can lead to an inability to let go of their connection with the dead, with no understanding of it, and no acceptence of it.

This results in a profound grief, preventing a return of the joy of life and can lead to chronic grief. This state is marked by an increasing joylessness as well as a life of listlessness, whith melancholic thoughts, and heavy weighed-down feelings through which the psyche is attacked and destroyed.

If this state is not repaired quickly, damage to the consciousness occurs and personality and behaviour patterns can change. A chronic grieving state impairs the whole lifestyle, leading to an unfulfilled life and restrictions of life in every area. The breaking-off of social contacts as well as the dissolving of interpersonal relationships along with introversion is only one small part of the overall results and troubles from chronic grief.

Grief as a 'lesson' of life

Dying and death are inevitable, and everyone must find this out through experience over the course of their life. This experience should be a stimulus for reflection on dying and death, and on contemplation in order to gain one's own understanding of it and grief.

And, if one deals with the grief caused by the dying and death of a loved one, then this is a maturation process and a learning that enables us to accept all the facets of grief. In this grieving process time of life, life comes to a stop, whilst at other times, during relapses, immense pain is felt.

However, it is through this process of thoughts and feelings, that starts also a process in the psyche, firstly comes grieving, but then a lesson of life, of great and lasting value which is often only recognized in hindsight when the grieving and suffering has ended. And only then is it recognized and understood that death and dying is a process of Creation to which every life and every existence is arranged in the law of 'Werden und Vergehen' (becoming and passing).

The law of Cause and Effect is also arranged within this, with procreation the cause of the birth of life, and the effect of life is death and dying.

It is important to find equilibrium about the process of becoming and passing away of life through thorough contemplation, because then, the valuable insight can mature or ripen about the preciousness of every day, minute and second of life. Then, with this 'knowing' he begins to make more informed decisions, and strives for a more meaningful way of life, making better use of time, because he is aware that life is the greatest value of all existence.

This too can happen from the realization that life is transient and that there are limitations, because noone can effectively control everything he wishes to. With this maturation following the process of grief is the knowledge that there are limitations in place which the person cannot bridge, like the border of life which is embodied by death and which is unavoidable.

The path of grief is full of pain and an accumulation of sadness, but this must be seen in the positive, because suffering and grief in every case, is a means of knowledge and thus also a means of evolution. Thus, the displacement or suppression of grief is a poor alternative because a high price must be paid - the numbness coupled with anxiety and bitterness leads to a hardening or rigidity of the personality, and ultimately everything degenerates in such a way that psychological and psychosomatic or consciousness-related impairment, damage and disease appears. A transformation of the personality and the essence of the human being from this will appear once real grief and deep sadness have subsided, and any thoughts the person had before about grief will never be the same. Even though there will be scars of sorrow that will remain, memories and nostalgia, there will also be gratitude and fulfillment.

Indeed, that life goes on is a fact, but truly grief creates in people a fresh start, because grief is an 'artist or agent of transformation' and also creates positive changes in life that the human could never obtain without grief.

von 'WIEDERGEBURT, LEBEN, STERBEN, TOD UND TRAUER' von (Billy) Eduard Albert Meier

A summary of pps. 265-273 on Grief.
by Robyn Foley
July 2011

I found this info here and feel its important to know
http://forum.figu.org/us/messages/13/11915.html#POST56588