why we miss rodney dangerfield

Because he said.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.

Last night she used me to time an egg.



It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on

the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!



Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was

wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was

coming home.



A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody

home.' I went over. Nobody was home!



A hooker once told me she had a headache.



I went to a massage parlor.. It was self-service.



If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.



I was making love to this girl and she started crying.

I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'

She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'



I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.

That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag

over her head comes off.



I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex

offenders.





My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the

kitchen the cockroaches hang themselves.



I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got

arrested for mooning.



The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked.

I asked him, 'Why?'

He said, 'Because you came home early.'



My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.



I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can

hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.



My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after

the meal.



My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she

called me from a hotel.



My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy,

I wouldn't of had anything to play with.




It's been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put a shirt

on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the

handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.



I was such an ugly kid! ...When I played in the sandbox,

the cat kept covering me up.



I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a

toaster and radio.



I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me.

She told me that she only liked me as a friend.



I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid

who came with his wallet.



When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room

and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we

could, but he pulled through anyway."



I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness...

AFTER I was born.



I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent

a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more

proof.



Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him

to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think

we'll ever find them?"

He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they

can hide."



My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.



I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking

how big I'd get.



I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up

and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong

with me?"

He said... "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."



I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping

pills.

My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.


With my old man I got no respect. I asked him,

"How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.



Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he

leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night

he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was

reading it.



One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -

for birth control.



My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap;

he was in the electric chair.